Last week, my therapist asked me if there’s anything I’d like to do in the future; any activities I’d like to do just for myself. A few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to answer that question – I just would have shrugged my shoulders. And that’s what it had been like for many years. Complete lack of interest.
But after thinking about that question for a while, I actually came up with a few things that I’d like to do. That was quite a surprise, I have to say. I’m not used to WANTING to do things; usually I just think about the stuff I HAVING TO do or SHOULD do. I guess my meds are finally starting to work. That doesn’t mean that I’m actually off doing any of those things, though. There’s at least one huge “BUT” attached to every point on my wish list. Here it is:
- I’d like to draw again BUT I never know what to draw, I’m lacking inspiration.
- I’d like to do a drawing/painting course in order to get back that inspiration BUT that costs money (I don’t have).
- I’d like to learn to play the piano BUT that costs money as well.
- I’d like to exercise regularly BUT I’m usually not motivated.
- I’d like to do a yoga class so I’m regularly encouraged to exercise BUT the money issue again AND the thought of having to change in front of other people freaks me out.
- I’d like to read more BUT I can’t get myself to pick up a book.
- I’d like to start another degree at university BUT I’m currently doing two MAs already.
- I’d like to travel more BUT I don’t have rich parent (why???).
- I’d like to move to another country one day BUT well….
- I’d like to have more fun and enjoy my life BUT I’m not sure how that works, I guess I forgot.
So, there are actually quite a few things I’d be interested in doing. That alone is quite a breakthrough for me. But (oh, I’m really starting to despise that word!) I’m now faced with a few new obstacles, most notably my lack of motivation and money. I really don’t want to go into the money issues right now, because that would get me down (need a job badly, feel I have no qualifications at all, how should I balance doing 2 university degrees, work and my mental health issues??). Right now, I’d rather find ways to motivate myself and to make myself get off the couch and do the things I FINALLY would be interested in doing. I WANT to, after all! And that’s a great thing.