One might think that suffering from depression and personality disorder, i.e. being preoccupied with emotions and feeling most of the time, would make one a specialist in that department. That one would be able to name emotions and know how to cope with them. Apparently, that’s not the case. One might think that it would make one an outwardly emotional person. Apparently, that’s not the case either.
As it is, I’ve been told by various people – my therapist, my psychiatrist, my closest friend – that I’m over-analytical and tend to be rather stoic and detached. In short: I think too much. Really now? I would have thought I feel too much…
I had a talk with my psychiatrist recently about how the therapy (psychoanalytical) is going. She said that my tendency to always rack my brains about everything is potentially a good thing for the therapy, but right now, it seems to be getting in the way of me coming to grips with my emotions. She said (and my therapist agrees) that, in order for talking therapy to be successful, I need to “get into feeling again”, as she put it. They both think that at the moment my self-perception and my emotional perception are pretty messed up.
I guess that’s true. Quite often, there’s a huge gap between what I know and what I feel. Even if I know that someone’s flippant response to question probably has nothing to do with me or that their comment wasn’t meant to be mean, what I feel doesn’t relate to that. With regard to therapy, I’m aware of certain patterns of behaviour or trains of thought that are rationally not justified. And I’m also largely aware of the reasons for and triggers of those issues. However, I know one thing, but I feel something different.
So how do I straighten out my emotions? How do I “get back into feeling”? My psychiatrist suggested and I accepted: Rehab! Six weeks to just concentrate on myself without any distractions (such as the fact that I need to finish 2 MA degrees plus find a job so I can move out of my mum’s where I’m currently staying after a recent split-up). Waiting time for a bed is between one and six months. I hope I can go there soon! It can’t hurt, can it?