broken? maybe. broken record? no!

I haven’t posted anything other than pictures in a while. The thought of writing about myself, how I’m doing, how I’m coping, just doesn’t appeal to me at the moment. And I haven’t been to therapy for over a month. I just don’t want to talk about myself. Because I feel that there isnt’t anything to talk about, really. I think I’ve already told my therapist everything there is to say, and some of it two or three times already. And for years before I even started therapy, I’ve been discussing my issues and worries with my best friend (and myself). I don’t want to fucking repeat myself all the time! It’s annoying! And it doesn’t help me. It doesn’t get me anywhere. So I might continue to just post my drawings and paintings for a while.

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4 thoughts on “broken? maybe. broken record? no!

  1. Hey, you. \(^^)

    I’ve been feeling like that for so many years, off and on. And it led me to a bad place. So now I’m trying the psychiatric route, because I have to keep fighting. And I’d like to encourage you to do so … please?

    If talk therapy does nothing for you, what’s next? Have you tried meds? And a friend of mine, with whom I e-mail pretty much every day right now, who has a solid background in psychology, says ECT therapy has evolved a lot in recent decades.

    My point is, if you write that you’re sick of your narrative, as I also have been/am, what will you do next to try to get past that, to reach a point where you’ll like talking about you?

    The artwork is a great start, and I enjoy looking at your wordless posts. What else do you need to do? Do everything you can to win this thing. I know how hard it is, believe me! I’m fighting but making little ground on ‘whatever-the-fuck-it-is-that-ails-me’.

    And I keep fighting. You should make a promise to yourself that you will too. I’m not offering you any bull-shit, empty ‘hope’. I’m saying I’m right in this shit with you, and I’ve got years of experience with being crushed by this THING, and I know that you’ve gotta be easier on yourself right now.

    Please write more! This was a real, sincere post. I love those.

  2. Some people make music about just that. 😉 I’d like to.

    Check this, from Frightened Rabbit (Scottish):

    The Greys

    What’s the blues, when you’ve got the greys?
    I think i’ve given up, my body’s given in,
    In a building, I lie still, and then I turn back over again
    In a building that has heating
    And sweat sweat sweat sweat dried-on stains
    I’m sick of feeling sick and not throwing up
    And you sit in my stomach and you seem to be stuck
    And it won’t work its way through my guts and just go away
    I woke up this afternoon thought maybe today
    That the world might be a more colorful place
    But there’s no luck, it’s still just grey
    Come back here

    What’s the blues, when you’ve got the greys?
    Much less productive than hardship and pain
    In a building, where i lie still,
    Just before i turn over again
    In a building that has heating
    And sweat sweat sweat sweat dried-on stains
    I’m sick of feeling sick and not throwing up
    And you sit in my stomach and you seem to be stuck
    And it won’t work its way through my guts and just go away
    I woke up this afternoon thought maybe today
    The world might be a more colorful place
    There’s no luck, it’s still just grey
    Oh, what’s the blues here when you’ve got the greys
    I don’t have much of a story to say
    I just sit around at night and avoid day
    If i feel anything it at all it would be to get up
    And avoid conversation and human contact
    Cause you can’t touch the world if you can’t feel pain
    You should come back here

  3. hey!

    thanks for your encouragement!
    actually, I am on meds and they are really helping a lot with my depression. for the first time in years my basic mood is not ‘down’, but more like somewhere in the middle…. right now, I think it’s the issues related to my personality disorder that are more obvious and with which the meds aren’t helping. but I don’t feel depressed at the moment. maybe that’s also the reason why I don’t feel like talking, because I’m doing okay-ish? that doesn’t mean that I want to stop trying to get better! I’m taking my meds (in fact, I love them!!!), I stared drawing/painting again, which means I’m again engaging in an activity I enjoy…. it’s just that I don’t know whether talking therapy is the right thing for me right now. I was suppost to go to rehab, but my health insurance rejected my request for now. I’m gonna try again though!!! I feel that DOING is a lot better for me right now than talking.

    • Ah! Gotcha! Sorry for misinterpreting your mood. 🙂

      It’s great to hear that you’re pretty ‘OK’ with your situation now. That’s really important. And you can also write about that. I find it very interesting to read about how others are dealing with their ‘difficulties’.

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