a little lonely

feeling a little lonely right now.

sitting in my flat on my own on a saturday night with only a bottle of wine to keep me company. my best is in a different country and the only two other people I consider friends don’t have time tonight. it’s moments like these that I realise I’m a really lonely person. I can easily count the number of people I have regular contact with on one hand. and if I decided to go out on my own tonight, I’d only end up in some pub or club where I’d be sitting or standing on my own before I’d decide it was a bad idea and go home again. so I probably shouldn’t do that….

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3 thoughts on “a little lonely

  1. Hi, IBI!

    Your post brought me back over here. I’ve been so busy with work and work-related stuff, including a whole other virtual life with separate Twitter, blog, e-mail, FB, etc. Every now and then, I thought ‘I should get back to writing on Mind’s Not Right’, but I just feel as though I don’t have any time at all for so many things these days. Even though I am capable of doing much more, mentally, and more quickly, it doesn’t really matter much because I increased the number of projects I want to tackle and still find myself in the position of being overwhelmed by my own life.

    And I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely. It’s been a number of months since I broke up with my gf, and I knew that, once the dust had settled, I’d have to face the loneliness. I’ve been running from it all my life by jumping in and out of relationships. I wanted to stop that (and many other things) this year, and I did.

    But there’s a reason why I’ve been hiding from that loneliness: it can consume me.
    Moreover, I live in a place (Japan; more specifically, rural NE Japan) where making real connections with people is almost impossible. The language is part of it, but the main reason is the culture; the superficial is everything, and real feelings and thoughts are kept inside or expressed in some obtuse/passive aggressive, indirect manner. So, I am completely alone. I could try to contact other so-called ‘foreigners’, as the Japanese think would be a natural thing for me to do (they also have the whole ‘In-group, Out-group’ thing here, so all people from other countries are grouped into the ‘Other’/non-Japanese Out-group). But it’s absurd to think I have anything in common with those people other than the fact that we’re non-Japanese living in Japan!

    But the sense of ‘community’ and ‘family’ (the same kind of ‘Blut und Boden’ mentality that brought the Nazis to power so easily back then) is so strong here, that most Japanese can’t wrap their minds around the concept of people being of the same race or from the same country or language group NOT having many things in common. I see in schools here, every day, how everyone is being ‘socialized’ (to say it nicely) to feel that all Japanese people are basically the same, that they’re a large, extended family. Absurd. But when you have them all repeating the same patterns, having festivals at the same time every month, watching the SAME celebrities on almost EVERY tv show every day (!), you realize why they feel that us ‘foreigners’ should want to connect with our ‘family’.

    I could go on and on, but the main point is this: I’m as lonely as you feel right now. And you reminded me that I REALLY need you and Moany and all the others in this virtual community. And I was relying too much on one real-world person too much for stimulation and attention, and that person got really busy with a new job, forcing me to recognize my situation.

    I’m here for ya, Ibi-chan (it’s a Japanese diminutive suffix that expresses endearment to the person you attach it to). And, more importantly perhaps: I need you. You are needed.

    I’m sending you love right now. 🙂

    • thanks so much for your response!

      took me a while to write back, ’cause a) I’m quite busy at the moment, and b) I’m don’t feel very motivated to post on my blog….
      so I’m afraid this response will be quite short :/

      I really can’t imagine what it must be like to live at a place where you’re always and obviously an outsider. I don’t think I’d be able to stand that, so I guess you must have a good reason why you’re (still) in Japan? I often find it difficult enough not to feel out of place in my home country (or around my family!!!) 😉
      guess that should actually remind me why places like these (i mean this website) can actually be a blessing for people like ‘us’…. and I guess I shouldn’t let my blog slide like this. which is a good topic for a post!

      hope your doing ok!

      • Hi Ibi 🙂

        All-in-all, I’m doing well, but I’m fighting some big, uphill battles right now and my stress level has peaked. I’m coming clean. Outing myself.

        I’ve been hiding my real self for so long now, I can’t do it any more. Now I really understand why I’ve always identified with the glbt crowd even though I, personally, am attracted to women. It’s the fact that I have this identity, this authentic ‘self’ that’s been trying to get ‘out’ all these years. And a mind that’s been crippled by a mood disorder and all the failures and dead ends the latter brought with it.

        I think I’ve stayed in Japan because, of any place in the world, this country and culture would force ‘ME’ out. Back in Canada, I could blend in and feel somewhat ‘normal’, so I couldn’t see myself. In Japan, I’ve seen little else but this ugly reflection of myself.

        But that’s the surface. And I’m not going to be ‘there’ any more. Even though people don’t speak openly about mental illness (or anything personal or deep at all) in Japan, the real ‘ME’ has been comin’ out, and will completely over the next three days. I hope I will have your support and that of others ‘here’

        It’s all happening over at http://markthealt.wordpress.com. Video, writing and music all worked together.

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