depressed girl & manic girl giving each other advice

Finished! (i think. i tend to paint over stuff months after putting it away…)


losing interest & motivation quickly – pathological?

sometimes get interested in something and I’m initially all excited about it. like reeeeeaaallly excited!!! but after some days to weeks, that’s all gone. two recent cases in point:

– my attempt at starting to draw & paint again

– this blog

I’m generally not easily motivated or interested. usually can’t be bothered. and when I am, it doesn’t last. as soon as the thrill of engaging in some NEW activity wears off, I either don’t care any longer or it just becomes something I SHOULD do.

haven’t found a cure for that yet.

a little lonely

feeling a little lonely right now.

sitting in my flat on my own on a saturday night with only a bottle of wine to keep me company. my best is in a different country and the only two other people I consider friends don’t have time tonight. it’s moments like these that I realise I’m a really lonely person. I can easily count the number of people I have regular contact with on one hand. and if I decided to go out on my own tonight, I’d only end up in some pub or club where I’d be sitting or standing on my own before I’d decide it was a bad idea and go home again. so I probably shouldn’t do that….

back to therapy?

university starts next week. that means I need to crawl out of my little hole again and do things like leaving the house and interacting with people. it also means it would probably be a good time to figure out some things. like what I’m going to do about my mental health issues. I haven’t seen or contacted my therapist or psychiatrist since may. had been feeling that the therapy (psychoanalysis) wasn’t really going anywhere and I really don’t want to go back to my therapist. plus, I also feel kind of bad about dumping him like that….

my depression’s under control at the moment, thanks to my meds. but my personality disorder could really need some treatment. not really sure how to go about that though. feel a little guilty and nervous about showing up at my psychiatrist after 4 months and just saying “hey, I’m back. quit therapy, by the way. didn’t really work for me. any other suggestions?”. I know, not all types of treatment work for everyone, but I’m a little discouraged at the moment.


Liebster Award nomination


The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. So, what is a Liebster?  The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Isn’t that sweet? Blogging is about building a community and it’s a great way to connect with other bloggers and help spread the word about newer bloggers/blogs (

Now for the rules of this nomination. Be sure to thank the blog that nominated you and post a link back to their blog.

Next you must answer the 10 questions your nominator asked you. Then nominate your 10 favourite blogs with under 200 followers and ask your own 10 questions. Be sure to notify each blog you nominate by telling them on their blog and sending them a link back to your Liebster post.

Thanks so much to for nominating me! (

So here are the 10 questions from with my answers:

1. What inspires you the most?

I’m currently working on finding things, life in general, inspiring, so that’s a difficult question for me. I’ve recently come to realise that many of the obstacles in the way of me being a not-misserabe person are rooted deep inside me and that to overcome them means working on myself. So I’m trying to find inspiration within myself, at the moment. To just listen to what my guts tell me without overthinking everything, to not give up before I’ve even started, to be open to whatever may poor out of me without repressing or censoring it.

2. How long have you had your blog and why did you start blogging?

I started my blog in May. I’ve been in treatment for depression and personality disorder since February and that gave me the courage to but also made me feel like I need to make myself heard. It was about time the madwoman left the attic!

3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

In a small, red, wooden cabin with white window frames, right by the sea and surrounded by a pine forest just outside Stockholm.

4. Do you believe in Unicorns?

I’m an atheist. Sometimes, when people say things like “but how do you know there’s no god?” or “you have to be live in something!”, I ask them why they don’t believe in unicorns. Funny how that question irritates people! I don’t believe in unicorns myself, just as I don’t believe there’s a god, but I think if more people believed in unicorns instead of in some deity, the world would be a better place in many ways.

5. You can only watch one movie or television series for the rest of your life. Which would you choose?

Melancholia by Lars von Trier.

6. State what frustrates you the most in life.

That’d probably me and how I’m not able to just let some things go (see answer to question 1).

7. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

I’m a tiny  bundle of self-doubt and insecurity that, simultaneously, feels it’s constantly being underrated and undervalued by the world and DESERVES to be FUCKING RECOGNISED FOR ITS GREATNESS!!! *blushes and hides away* so I guess I’m the former but would like to be the latter.

8. If I won the lottery the first thing I would buy is a pony. What would you purchase?

A bottle of gin. Then make some carefully considered, drunk decisions. And those would probably include that cabin in Sweden.

9. What kind of blogs do you like to follow the most?

Blogs of people to whom I can relate, who are dealing with mental health issued as well and/or who express themselves by painting and drawing.

10. Post a picture of yourself. Can be a cute selfie, a crazy saved snapchat, anything at all really.


Here come the 10 blogs I nominate for the Liebster Award in no particular order:











And finally, my 10 questions to you lovely, nominated bloggers:

1) what’s your favourite band/song/album?

2) who’s your celebrity crush?

3) if your life was made into a film, who should play you and why?

4) complete the following sentence (and maybe elaborate): “……… is/are overrated.”

5) which part of your physical body do you like the most?

6) which super power would you like to have and why?

7) if you could change one thing about the world as it is right now, what would it be?

8) what’s your guilty pleasure?

9) describe yourself with a colour, animal, and dish/beverage. I’m a black, coffee drinking sloth!

10) when I think of the numbers from 0-9, they have a certain character to me: nice or mean, male or female, young or old. 5, for instance, is a bitchy, young female. tell me a random weird thing about yourself.

time for commitment!

time for commitment!

today, I got myself a sketchbook and made a nice (I think) cover for it. finally! I plan on taking it with me wherever I go so I can draw on the train or during boring lectures at uni…. no more excuses! go forth and doodle, I tell myself! and keep doodling! don’t quit! you want to get better? practice, practice, practice!

btw, the cover is a small, alternative version of my piece Kaitaa.

attacking the wall … some more

attacking the wall … some more

I added some more stuff to the doodle I started on my wall last weekend. In case you were wondering, no, I don’t have any plan.  no idea where this is going, which is really quite liberating!

attacking the paper – scribble figures

I really need to relax and stop thinking and stop worrying. also about what I draw or paint. I need to let go. I’m never going to get anywhere with it, if I spend more time theorising than actually doing it. and practicing. and waisting lots of paper in the process. maybe a sketchbook would be a good idea! today’s attempt….

I don’t really like what I do…..

sorry, another I-had-a thought-I-need-to-share-it-with-the-world-post!

looking at the doodle on my wall I started yesterday, I realised something. I’d never hang up any of my own art.

I often look at other people’s stuff and think “I like how that looks” sometimes even “I’d hang that up in my flat”. but when I look at my own stuff, I usually don’t think that. why is that? lack of objectivity or distance? am I being too self-critical? or just nor good enough? isn’t it sad that I’m not able to make the kind of art I like to look at myself?

When I’m done with a drawing or painting, most of the time I’m satisfied as in “this is the best I can do”, but I’m not satisfied as in “I really like this, objectively”. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look at the my own art ant appreciate it the way I appreciate other people’s art.