sometimes get interested in something and I’m initially all excited about it. like reeeeeaaallly excited!!! but after some days to weeks, that’s all gone. two recent cases in point:
– my attempt at starting to draw & paint again
– this blog
I’m generally not easily motivated or interested. usually can’t be bothered. and when I am, it doesn’t last. as soon as the thrill of engaging in some NEW activity wears off, I either don’t care any longer or it just becomes something I SHOULD do.
sitting in my flat on my own on a saturday night with only a bottle of wine to keep me company. my best is in a different country and the only two other people I consider friends don’t have time tonight. it’s moments like these that I realise I’m a really lonely person. I can easily count the number of people I have regular contact with on one hand. and if I decided to go out on my own tonight, I’d only end up in some pub or club where I’d be sitting or standing on my own before I’d decide it was a bad idea and go home again. so I probably shouldn’t do that….
university starts next week. that means I need to crawl out of my little hole again and do things like leaving the house and interacting with people. it also means it would probably be a good time to figure out some things. like what I’m going to do about my mental health issues. I haven’t seen or contacted my therapist or psychiatrist since may. had been feeling that the therapy (psychoanalysis) wasn’t really going anywhere and I really don’t want to go back to my therapist. plus, I also feel kind of bad about dumping him like that….
my depression’s under control at the moment, thanks to my meds. but my personality disorder could really need some treatment. not really sure how to go about that though. feel a little guilty and nervous about showing up at my psychiatrist after 4 months and just saying “hey, I’m back. quit therapy, by the way. didn’t really work for me. any other suggestions?”. I know, not all types of treatment work for everyone, but I’m a little discouraged at the moment.
today, I got myself a sketchbook and made a nice (I think) cover for it. finally! I plan on taking it with me wherever I go so I can draw on the train or during boring lectures at uni…. no more excuses! go forth and doodle, I tell myself! and keep doodling! don’t quit! you want to get better? practice, practice, practice!
btw, the cover is a small, alternative version of my piece Kaitaa.
I really need to relax and stop thinking and stop worrying. also about what I draw or paint. I need to let go. I’m never going to get anywhere with it, if I spend more time theorising than actually doing it. and practicing. and waisting lots of paper in the process. maybe a sketchbook would be a good idea! today’s attempt….
sorry, another I-had-a thought-I-need-to-share-it-with-the-world-post!
looking at the doodle on my wall I started yesterday, I realised something. I’d never hang up any of my own art.
I often look at other people’s stuff and think “I like how that looks” sometimes even “I’d hang that up in my flat”. but when I look at my own stuff, I usually don’t think that. why is that? lack of objectivity or distance? am I being too self-critical? or just nor good enough? isn’t it sad that I’m not able to make the kind of art I like to look at myself?
When I’m done with a drawing or painting, most of the time I’m satisfied as in “this is the best I can do”, but I’m not satisfied as in “I really like this, objectively”. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look at the my own art ant appreciate it the way I appreciate other people’s art.
sometimes I’m overcome by weird urges, for example that I’d really like to touch the nose of the person sitting opposite me. right now, I’d reeeeaaaally like to doodle on the wall of my room. don’t know why. the thought just came out of nowhere and I can’t shake it off. don’t know what I’d like to draw, but that white wall looks damn tempting!
anyone have any experience with drawing on walls with pens? can it be painted over easily?