a little lonely

feeling a little lonely right now.

sitting in my flat on my own on a saturday night with only a bottle of wine to keep me company. my best is in a different country and the only two other people I consider friends don’t have time tonight. it’s moments like these that I realise I’m a really lonely person. I can easily count the number of people I have regular contact with on one hand. and if I decided to go out on my own tonight, I’d only end up in some pub or club where I’d be sitting or standing on my own before I’d decide it was a bad idea and go home again. so I probably shouldn’t do that….

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pang of loneliness

earlier today, I ended a post with the words “HAPPY HAPPY”. let me revise that:

LONELY LONELY

once again, it hit me like a punch in the gut. I’m a very lonely person. and I can’t help but feel sorry for myself, which makes me feel sad, which makes me feel even more lonely…. in case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not a very social person. I’m alone most of the time. even when I do go out, I don’t meet new people (saying I find it difficult to meet new people would be an understatement – I simply don’t). I usually don’t talk to strangers, even if my best friend just attracted a bunch of guys…. I’m too shy, too insecure, and I lack social intelligence.

consequently, my life is pretty empty. there’s my best friend, whom I’ve known for 14 years, another friend I quite like, and a third girl, whom I consider an acquaintance. that’s it. I currently live with my mother and brother, but they both work and our relationship’s not really close.

I’m just writing this to keep myself from thinking about it too much… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to have more social interaction, but I also dread it, in a way. (not the interaction with my friends, though). and I crave approval, that people like me. fuck, I’m afraid I just want to be loved – how cliché! I really don’t want to go into how no one will ever like me and fall in love with me again and how I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life…..