university starts next week. that means I need to crawl out of my little hole again and do things like leaving the house and interacting with people. it also means it would probably be a good time to figure out some things. like what I’m going to do about my mental health issues. I haven’t seen or contacted my therapist or psychiatrist since may. had been feeling that the therapy (psychoanalysis) wasn’t really going anywhere and I really don’t want to go back to my therapist. plus, I also feel kind of bad about dumping him like that….
my depression’s under control at the moment, thanks to my meds. but my personality disorder could really need some treatment. not really sure how to go about that though. feel a little guilty and nervous about showing up at my psychiatrist after 4 months and just saying “hey, I’m back. quit therapy, by the way. didn’t really work for me. any other suggestions?”. I know, not all types of treatment work for everyone, but I’m a little discouraged at the moment.
I haven’t posted anything other than pictures in a while. The thought of writing about myself, how I’m doing, how I’m coping, just doesn’t appeal to me at the moment. And I haven’t been to therapy for over a month. I just don’t want to talk about myself. Because I feel that there isnt’t anything to talk about, really. I think I’ve already told my therapist everything there is to say, and some of it two or three times already. And for years before I even started therapy, I’ve been discussing my issues and worries with my best friend (and myself). I don’t want to fucking repeat myself all the time! It’s annoying! And it doesn’t help me. It doesn’t get me anywhere. So I might continue to just post my drawings and paintings for a while.
One might think that suffering from depression and personality disorder, i.e. being preoccupied with emotions and feeling most of the time, would make one a specialist in that department. That one would be able to name emotions and know how to cope with them. Apparently, that’s not the case. One might think that it would make one an outwardly emotional person. Apparently, that’s not the case either.
As it is, I’ve been told by various people – my therapist, my psychiatrist, my closest friend – that I’m over-analytical and tend to be rather stoic and detached. In short: I think too much. Really now? I would have thought I feel too much…
I had a talk with my psychiatrist recently about how the therapy (psychoanalytical) is going. She said that my tendency to always rack my brains about everything is potentially a good thing for the therapy, but right now, it seems to be getting in the way of me coming to grips with my emotions. She said (and my therapist agrees) that, in order for talking therapy to be successful, I need to “get into feeling again”, as she put it. They both think that at the moment my self-perception and my emotional perception are pretty messed up.
I guess that’s true. Quite often, there’s a huge gap between what I know and what I feel. Even if I know that someone’s flippant response to question probably has nothing to do with me or that their comment wasn’t meant to be mean, what I feel doesn’t relate to that. With regard to therapy, I’m aware of certain patterns of behaviour or trains of thought that are rationally not justified. And I’m also largely aware of the reasons for and triggers of those issues. However, I know one thing, but I feel something different.
So how do I straighten out my emotions? How do I “get back into feeling”? My psychiatrist suggested and I accepted: Rehab! Six weeks to just concentrate on myself without any distractions (such as the fact that I need to finish 2 MA degrees plus find a job so I can move out of my mum’s where I’m currently staying after a recent split-up). Waiting time for a bed is between one and six months. I hope I can go there soon! It can’t hurt, can it?